The Cruise from… You-Know-Where



Posted by Kathy Waller

Stardate 2015: “William Shatner Announced As First Host of the First Official Star Trek Cruise”

Shatner, aka Captain Kirk, said he’s excited to be part of this celebration of Star Trek’s 50th anniversary. He thinks the fans will enjoy it, and it’ll be fun.

I went on a cruise once, with seven cousins, over Thanksgiving. It was fun. We enjoyed it. Ever since, we’ve called it “The Cruise From You-Know-Where.”

Well, that’s what we call it in front of the under-twelve crowd.

I’d never been on a cruise, but I’d always loved carnival rides, so I knew I’d be a good sailor. The first night, I went to bed saying, “I’m going to let the waves rock me to sleep.”

The next morning, I woke knowing I’d been rocked. I couldn’t wait to leave the ship at Cancun. In fact, I told my roommate/travel agent/Cousin #1, “I’m getting off this ship and flying home, so you just be ready to get me on the first plane out.”

Then the captain announced that because of inclement weather–seems we’d hit a tiny hurricane–we would not stop at Cancun. The approach would be dangerous. We would be at sea another twenty-four hours before reaching Cozumel.

Cousin #1 handed me a 7-Up, told me I’d be fine, and went bopping off to join the rest of the family in merriment and mirth.

Unfortunately, there wasn’t much merriment. Cousin #2 had hurt her back on the way up the gangplank (or whatever they’re called in the post-Errol Flynn days). Cousin #3, #2’s husband, fell into a magazine rack in the bookshop and scraped his forearm so badly he had to have it bandaged at the infirmary. Cousins #4, 5, and 6–two of them college girls–felt a little woozy and stayed in their bunks.

Finally, Cousin #1 returned to our room. When she opened the door, I assaulted her with repeated vows to get off that ship and fly home, etc. She said I needed fresh air and hauled me up to the pool deck, installed me in a deck chair with a new 7-Up, told me I’d be fine, and escaped again.

When she returned hours later, I switched from I’m-Getting-Off-This-Ship to You’d-Better-Do-Something-or-I’m-Going-to-Die-and-You’ll-Have-the-Authorities-to-Deal-With. And If-You-Say-I’ll-Be-Fine-One-More-Time-You’ll-Die-Just-Before-I-Do.

She said she’d take me to the infirmary.

The nice doctor took out a great big needle and syringe and gave me a great big injection and a box of pills to chew every three hours and said to drink ginger ale. Cousin #1 dragged me back to the room, on the way stopping to check on Cousin #2’s back spasms.

Someone cleared a bunk. I fell onto it, now moaning that I would get off the ship and walk home. Cousin #1 said, for the 500th time, “Nooooo you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

Nooooo you’re not.”

Finally, Cousin #2 said, “Stop arguing with her. If she wants to walk home, she can walk home.”

Cousin #1 dragged me the rest of the way back to our room, where I fell asleep. She then went to the dining room, where she had dinner with Cousin #7, her brother. Two people at a table set for eight. Twenty-five per cent attendance. They said the whole dining room looked about 25%.

The next morning, I woke, ate a hearty breakfast, and did not walk home. Instead, I went bopping off with Cousin #1 to see the wonders of the tourist side of Cozumel. After lunch, I bopped back with Cousin #3 and his bandaged arm. We visited jewelry stores. I bought a pair of earrings. That night, all eight of us showed up at dinner. Some were paler than others, but I was fine.

I even made peace with Cousin #1. On the beach at Honduras, she sat in a nest of sand fleas. Sitting about a foot away from her, I didn’t. Daubing itch cream on all her little red spots, I forgave her.

Waiting to debark, I announced I would never go on another cruise as long as I lived.

Then someone said, “Let’s take an Alaska cruise.” My doctor wrote a prescription for the patch. There were neither hurricanes nor sand fleas. My cousins had a good time. So did my recently acquired husband and I.

The Star Trek cruise won’t take place till 2017, but tickets are available online now. David loves the original Star Trek so I thought he would want to sign up. But no. Not this time, at least.

In a way, I’d like to go. In another way, I wouldn’t touch it. Because the ship leaves from Miami and heads for Cozumel. And in that part of the world, there’s always the chance of a tiny hurricane, or my own case of sand fleas, or a trip that will come to be known as The Cruise from… You-Know-Where.

Back row: Cousin #2, our grandmother, Cousin #8, Cousin #6 (Cousin #7's wife), and Cousin #1 (the travel agent who wouldn't let me walk home). I'm the cute one in the striped slacks and plaid blouse (there was a reason for that) allowing Cousin #1 to put her hands on my shoulders. If I'd know how she would treat me later, I've stood elsewhere.
Back row: Cousin #2, our grandmother, Cousin #7, Cousin #6 (Cousin #7’s wife), and Cousin #1 (the travel agent who wouldn’t let me walk home). I’m the cute one in the striped slacks and plaid blouse (there was a reason for that) allowing Cousin #1 to put her hands on my shoulders. If I’d know how she would treat me later, I’ve stood as far away from her as I could get.


I have a feeling I’ve told this story here before, but that may be because I’ve told it so many times elsewhere, and anyway, I probably made up new facts this time.


Kathy Waller blogs at Telling the Truth–Mainly and at Austin Mystery Writers. Two of her stories appear in Austin Mystery Writers’ crime fiction anthology, Murder on Wheels.


27 thoughts on “The Cruise from… You-Know-Where

  1. Thank you. This was a chuckle a minute post, Kathy. I’ve had some very turbulent cruise/ large ferry trips and force tens+ aren’t much fun! The Bay of Biscay (off Portugal); the North Sea; near Orkney are just the same as Cancun in a force ten- everything that’s not bolted down will find a way up and over your shoulder- that is when you’re walking at an angle of 45Deg. I flew in to Havanah, Cuba, on the tail end of a hurricane and it was a wee bit dramatic. (Actually, I’m a very good sailor and generally one of the few in those dining rooms)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Nancy. I’ve heard about the ferry crossings in the North Sea. I’d love to travel that route by ferry but won’t. The worst story I’ve heard was Cousin #2’s crossing from Maine to Nova Scotia; she said going downstairs she stepped off the top step and stepped down at the bottom. I contend that what we went through was NOT really a hurricane. The sailing was fairly smooth. I just can’t do waves without the support of drugs.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, that sounds like a crazy turbulent cruise. Glad you ended up enjoying it in the end. I once took a ferry from Dublin to Liverpool where everything was like Nancy mentions above, tilting at 45 degrees in each direction. Things were sliding and tumbling all over the place.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for your comment, Travis. The passengers were turbulent but the sea appeared calm. I don’t know how so little rocking affected us so much. One night on a subsequent cruise the ship leaned significantly to one side. I was at the second level, lying in bed reading, so I didn’t feel much–I think my husband was at the all-night quesadilla bar–but they said that up on 10, women came screaming out into the hallways. We never learned what had happened; the captain issued a lighthearted apology at the show the next night, but there was no doubt the sudden slant resulted from a Mistake.


    1. I wish I’d thought of being beamed up on that first cruise. It might have worked. Thank you for the tip. My cruises are the specials my evil travel agent-cousin finds. The Star Trek cruise isn’t bad, but it’s steeper than I’m used to. Sigh. Thanks for your comment, Abbie.


  3. My brother and I were fans of the original Star Trek when we were kids. This cruise might be fun for both of us, but time and finances probably won’t allow it. Maybe you should sign up for it. Then you could blog about it. If it gets too bad, you could say, “Scottie, beam me the you know where out of here.”


  4. Kathy, what a hilarious post! Love the banter between you and Cousin #1. I actually went on a very similar cruise…probably identical. Leave Miami and stop in Cancun, Cozumel, and Grand Cayman. It was my very first cruise too. I think I was around 11 or 12. It was Christmas time, just my mom and I, and yes, there was a hurricane. I actually was totally fine but 90% of the ship was very ill, my mother included. The boat was rocking so bad that dining carts were flying down hallways. That was a memorable cruise for sure. A few years later, I took an Alaskan cruise and I still count that to this day as one of the best trips I’d ever been on. Breathtaking! And no rocking boat either. The cruise I took to the Bahamas this year wasn’t bad either. Slight rocking I could feel every night in our cabin but it felt more like a lulling to sleep. Thanks for the chuckle!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Flying dining carts might have done me in, Sarah. But it would have also made the story better. Kind of embarrassing to be sick when furniture is sitting still. Cousin #1 has read and corrected one detail: it was her brother-in-law, Cousin #3, the bandaged arm, who dined with her brother the second night. But he left early. I don’t know why she didn’t go to the dining room. Probably too tired from arguing with me. Thanks for commenting.


    1. Cousin #1 is laughing. She added a detail I didn’t include and in the interest of delicacy will not. I wish you’d go on the Star Trek cruise. I’d love to hear about your experience. No doubt they’d be more interesting than the ones that will be made public on the cruise line’s website. Thanks for your comment.


  5. Very funny and entertaining read! Loved the voice. Sounds like a memorable time and one to have fun discussing again. I slept throught the Panama Canal on drugs–only got up to eat and peak out the window then go down again. Can’t do cruises anymore I think. My husband woke up one night on the Alaskan cruise with one foot on the floor when the boat was rocking. Anchoring himself. We don’t plan on another cruise in our lifetime, but really enjoyed the two we had in spite of a little sea sickness. No hurricanes though.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’d love to go through the Panama Canal, but awake and in the best of health. That knock-out injection is one of the finest prescription drugs ever developed. It’s great you were able to enjoy your two even with the sea sickness. Except for the Alaska cruise, I’m not interested in taking another. That one was a joy. Thanks for your comment.


    1. Good idea. I’ve since learned that carnival rides can give a pretty accurate indication of how good a sailor you’ll be. My husband gets woozy on the tilt-a-whirl now. I hope that never happens to me, because the t-a-w is my favorite thing. Thanks for your comment.


  6. Very entertaining post, Kathy! I’ve never been on a cruise although I’ve considered an Alaskan venture a few times and still think about it. However, I think I’d prefer day trips out and then back on land, which I’ve done with whale watching adventures and enjoyed them immensely! Thanks for sharing your adventure with us! (P.S. I’d be tempted to take the Star Trek cruise except for the thought of those hurricanes!!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The Star Trek cruise takes place in January. I think hurricanes are over by then? But who knows what nature might think up. I agree with you about day trips–that way you get to see what’s between here and there. Every cruise I’ve taken has been because of that travel agent finding special prices, darn her. Thanks for your comment. (Love whale watching.)


  7. Cousin #1 says”I had a blast ! Have taken many more cruises in different areas, but none quite like this one. Kathy , I would do it again, in spite of the fleas, and visit to the sick bay.! would do it a gain in a heartbeat. As for Capt Kirk, I never did get into that space thing, so will continue to travel by train, boat or plane. I will let David lead the space travel part.
    I love the way you make all our adventures just come to life again. Keep it up.


    1. I’d love to take you to one of my family reunions. They’re not as much fun as they used to be, though, because my generation (most of the cruisers) aren’t nearly so entertaining as the two previous generations. If my grandmother and her two sisters had been on that cruise, it would have been a riot. In the positive sense of the word. Thanks for commenting. (You would liven up our current get-togethers. I’ll find out when the next one is so you can clear your calendar. [They’d like you better than me, too.]).


  8. The worst events make the best stories, don’t they? My niece and brother keep saying they want to put together a family cruise and I am always of two minds. If it goes well, it’s an amazing time, but if it goes like much of your first one did, you’re just trapped there in the misery. But, short of hitting a reef and going down with the ship, I guess it’s just a week out of my life, so I guess I’ll go if they ever get it together.


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