Obsessing on elf ears…

Mike Staton
This post by Mike Staton.

Please forgive me. I’m so embarrassed. I just don’t know if I can actually write this post. I’ll do my very best. You see I have this peculiar fascination with ears – not with any old ears. Elf ears… the long pointed ones that project out from the heads of lady elves.

My admission is not something that makes me proud. I’d rather have a fascination with ice fishing or deep-sea diving. Spending way too much time looking at paintings of elven princesses sporting ears that nearly reach to the top of trees is an obsession that has nearly ruined my life.

Elf Girl1
Those elf ears of hers are darn right scary. Her armor is frightening as well.

I’ve never married. Who would want to marry a man who only desires exotic women with ears that look like Bowie knives? A human woman could never measure up.

Think about it. An elf wife could be my personal assassin thanks to those ears. She could enable me to rule the world. They obviously provide super-sensitive hearing that would augment her already mythical talent at stealth. That’s why I would want my wife’s name to be Stealth. Steel-like cartilage would turn them into daggers that could easily slice open a throat. A rival of mine thinks he’s going to have the premier one-night stand of his life, but instead learns that her kiss heralds his death.

Have you ever seen the ears of a male elf? They’re so embarrassingly small compared to the females. More like Star Trek’s Mr. Spock ears. They barely peek through thick, long hair. No wonder elven societies are matrilineal. The men can’t hear as well and they definitely can’t turn their ear tips into killer daggers. Their ears are only good for one thing – tickling the belly of their elven lover. Better than lips against female flesh.

Elf Girl2
Girls with big ears have a way with really big kitties.

Elven males are not really much use at all – except during war when they can walk point on patrol in a thick forest. Better that an elven man dies in an ambush than one of the females perishes. That’s why the females are longbow archers. With their stiletto ears, daggers holstered to their waists and their bows strapped to their backs, they are the fiercest warriors in all seven realms.

 

But I live on Earth, and there’s not an elven woman to be seen – not in 75,000 years. So I’m doomed to be womanless.

Elf boy4
Poor males… such short ears.

Wait… someone is motioning to me from across the room. Speak louder please. A dwarven woman? You’re right. I hear they have really beards. They’re short, no more than four-and-a-half feet tall, but that’s fine by me. Our babies would grow up to be ferocious warriors, especially if they sprout up to human height. There’s only one problem though… there’s no dwarves on Earth, again not in 75,000 years. Shoot… I’m out of luck!

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I’m an author with four published novels that include a sword-and-sorcery fantasy trilogy – The Emperor’s Mistress, Thief’s Coin and Assassins’ Lair. The fourth novel is a historical romance set during the Civil War. It’s called Blessed Shadows Dark and Deep. I’ve begun writing my second Civil War novel – Deepening Homefront Shadows. All my novels can be purchased via the website of my publisher, Wings ePress, as well as the websites of Amazon and Barnes and Noble.